Bugzapper
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Even the most awesome things have their mundane utilities. A collection of drabbles about jutsu and the people who use them. Crack. Gen.
1. Bugzapper

**Bugzapper**

A _Naruto_ Drabble

by

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: I'm nearly done with finishing up the next chapter of **_**Om Nom Nom, Hamster-chan!**_**, but the bugs buzzing through my house made me think of bugzappers to kill them, and having been playing some**_** Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Heroes 3**_**, I soon was struck with inspiration for this drabble. After all, if you have special powers, sooner or later you're bound to find more mundane applications for them.**

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><p>Fourteen year old Kakashi Hatake, son of the White Fang and recently-dubbed Copy Nin, grumbled irritably. He, Guy, Asuma, and Shiko (some chunin-level Aburame kunoichi who seemed to have the hots for him) were on a B-rank mission in the Land of Swamps. During the hottest part of August.<p>

It was miserably humid and oppressively hot. The air was completely saturated with moisture, and every one of them was dripping with sweat. It was nearly as warm as in Suna, but twice as miserable.

It was so hot that Guy was actually being quiet and sedate, as opposed to loud and boisterous.

It was so hot that Asuma had not smoked a single cigarette since they had arrived in the country.

It was so hot that Kakashi had removed his mask to keep the absorbed sweat from drowning him (which only worsened Shiko's crush on him).

It was so hot that Shiko -an _Aburame_- had stripped down to her underwear. If not for the fact that every inch of her skin was pockmarked with burrow-holes and crawling with destruction beetles, the other three -yes, even Guy- would have been hard-pressed to keep their minds on the mission.

And speaking of bugs: mosquitoes. Good, God, the mosquitoes. The little blood-sucking bastards (or bitches, rather, as Shiko had informed them that only female mosquitoes drink blood) were everywhere. They traveled in black clouds and drifts, and when evening came they swarmed upon the four shinobi -yes, even Shiko- and refused to leave them be.

After the fourth day of constantly having to swat away the never ending tides of flying insectoid vampires, a frustrated and itchy Copy Ninja was struck with a crazy -or brilliant- idea.

"Chidori." The electrical currents began pulsing through his hand, occasionally sending forth arcs of blue light through the air. It was a little difficult at first, but Kakashi was a natural genius, so he quickly managed to alter the technique to minimize the amount of chakra required to sustain it.

Even Shiko was grateful for the reprieve granted to them by Kakashi's portable bug-zapper.

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><p><strong>If you have ideas for practical applications for not-so practical techniques, then let me know.<strong>

**TTFN and R&R!**


	2. Onsen

_**Onsen**_

A _Naruto_ Drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Here's another drabble, this time with the Fifth Mizukage and her two advanced chakra nature **_**kekkei genkai**_** (Boil Release/Vapor Style & Magma Release/Lava Style) and the three base nature styles that compose them (Earth Style/_doton_, Fire Style/_katon_, and Water Style/_suiton_).  
><strong>

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><p>Mei Terumi -Fifth Mizukage, powerful kunoichi, and bitter christmas cake- was not a happy camper. She was on her way back to the Village Hidden in the Mist from the Five Kage Summit in the Land of Iron to prepare her forces for their part in the Fourth Great Ninja War, but the journey was taking longer than expected.<p>

The mountain pass they had traveled through on the way into the Land of Iron had been blocked off by a sudden blizzard, and the snow drifts were too great and too treacherous to risk navigating, even for her and her elite bodyguards. So they had had to turn around and travel three hundred meters back the way they had come in order to reach a larger, more well traveled road that wound safely around the mountains instead of cutting through them. This detour ended up tripling the projected distance of their journey.

By the time night fell, the three high level Mist ninja were freezing and sore and exhausted.

"Hatcheee~w!" Chojuro sneezed, the snot dribbling from his nose freezing before he could wipe it away. His face was erubescent and his sinuses were clogged. The tiresome journey and the ill weather were taking their toll on him, for even Mist ninja rarely encountered such frigid inhospitable weather as they had been going through in the mountains bordering Iron Country.

"Geh..." Ao groaned sympathetically. Even a grizzled campaigner like himself was willing to swallow his pride and admit when nature had beaten him. "It's a pity we aren't near any hot springs... I don't think I've ever wanted a good, warm soak as badly as I do right now."

"Stop complaining," the lovely Mizukage bluntly silenced the older guard with a wicked glower. "We all want one, but there's nothing we can do about it." She then turned her attention to the younger guard. "Are you feeling well, Chojuro-kun?"

"D-dod really..." the young man sniffled pathetically, "Aye tig Aye bide 'ab uh cold."

"Aw, poor thing," the buxom, auburn-haired shotacon cooed. "Let me check your temperature." She placed her forehead against his, much to the inexperienced swordsman's mortification. "Hm, it's only a slight fever, but it will only get worse if we fail to chase the cold away," she concluded before suggestively pulling the lad into a rather intimate-looking embrace and shoving his face into her impressive cleavage.

"Lady Mizukage!" Ao spat disapprovingly, "This is hardly the time or the place for such behavior...!"

"Hmph, fine," Mei pouted, "I suppose I'll just have to make an _onsen_ for him, then..." Making a series of handseals, she performed an earth style technique to hollow out a decently deep pit, into which she spewed some lava using her lava style bloodline limit. Then she produced a layer of rock over the lava, approximately four feet from the surface, using another earth jutsu. The she used her boil style bloodline limit to melt some snow and executed a water style jutsu to get the melted snow into the makeshift spring, finishing up with a simple fire ninjutsu to quickly get the water to an appropriate temperature.

Dragging Chojuro over to the other side of her artificial hot-spring, Mei used a series of _earth style: mud wall _jutsu to create an enclosure surrounding the _onsen_ and a divider bisecting the bath. "There, are you happy?" she called over the divider to Ao.

"Uhh... err... um, yes, Lady Mizukage..." Ao responded uncertainly.

"Good," Mei replied tartly. "But if you even think about peeping on me and Chojuro-kun, I will **execute** you," she declared.

Ao gulped nervously.

A pause.

He blinked. "Wait a minute..." he muttered to himself, realization dawning on him. "LADY MIZUKAGE! WHY IN THE WORLD IS THAT BOY ON THE WOMEN'S SIDE OF THE BATH?-!-?-!"

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><p><strong>AN: The Fifth Mizukage is a total perv.** **;3  
><strong>

**TTFN and R&R!**


	3. Sleep Aid

**Sleep Aid**

A _Naruto_ Drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Here's another drabble for **_**Bugzapper**_**.**

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><p>In a sleazy rundown inn somewhere in the Land of Earth, Itachi glared at the ceiling. It was well past midnight, but he could not get to sleep. Kisame was in the next bed over, sleeping, eyes open and one hand on Samehada, which rested under the covers next to him. The man was a light-sleeper, like any good shinobi: ready to spring into action at the slightest sound.<p>

Itachi, however, could not fall asleep, no matter how long he lay there in bed, motionless.

He had always had trouble sleeping in strange places – it had been that way since he was a young child. But he could not exactly stroll back home to the Uchiha Compound and sleep in his old bed. Not now.

After all, he had officially been a missing-nin for over five years.

And yet he still thought of the clan compound back in the Leaf Village as "home" and of the ratty, moth-eaten old futon in third room on the left up on the second floor hallway of the clan-head's house as "his bed".

A sigh. Nostalgia and regret warred in his gut for dominance as the faces of countless dead, kinsmen and foreigner, traitor and innocent alike danced across his peripheral vision. His thoughts were racing through his head, as always, analyzing everything and running dozens of calculations a second.

He let out a soft, almost regretful sigh as he thought of his brother, the only survivor...

He shook his head. He needed to sleep. If he did not, his sense would be dulled and his reaction times slowed. But the special meditation techniques he had learned in the Leaf ANBU Black Ops were of no help this night.

It seemed he would need to use _That Jutsu_ again if he wanted any sleep. So, grabbing a handheld mirror and bringing it up to his eyes. He stared into the crimson depths of his Sharingan as the black commas swiftly revolved about his pupils, swimming a never-ending circuit in a bottomless sea of blood.

He felt a slight tugging at the back of his mind pulling at his consciousness and dragging him into a hazy trance as he fell into the spell of his own two accursed eyes. With a sigh, he spoke the command: "_Sleep_." His consciousness faded into the comforting darkness of oblivion as his powers of suggestion worked their magic upon him.

The illusion would hold as long as he willed it. For now, he would sleep. He would have peace -however fleeting- in the drunken dreams of his Totsuka Sword, the Ethereal Blade of Spirits.

And he was content to close his eyes and rest.

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><p><strong>AN: I can completely sympathize with Itachi when I say: "Insomnia sucks." Bleeehhhh.**

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><p><strong>TTFN and R&amp;R!<strong>


	4. Weedwhacker

**Weed-whacker**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Eh, I dunno why I decided to do another drabble for this collection since it's been over five months and this has gotten zero feedback, but ehhh, I got the inspiration so I figured "hey, why not". *shrug* **

**Also, the **_**Hayate the Combat Butler**_** fandom has been practically comatose lately, meaning basically no reviews for my fics in that section, which makes me sad. :'(**

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><p>Atsui, jōnin shinobi of Kumogakure no Sato, the Village Hidden in the Clouds, groaned as he surveyed the tangled, overgrown patch of dirt. His sister, Samui, had at some point picked up an interest in horticulture–probably during her diplomatic visits with the Sixth Hokage, who had gained a reputation among the elemental nations as an avid gardener–and so she wanted to plant a flower garden. Never mind the fact that only the hardiest of plants could be cultivated in the mountainous region of Kaminari no Kuni where the ninja village of Kumo was situated.<p>

No, Samui was not the sort to let something like that get in her way. If Atsui was an elite, then Samui was the elite of the elite, and nothing could get in her way once she had her mind set on something.

So if Samui wanted a flower garden, then _by God _she would have a flower garden. Even if she had to shanghai her brother into doing it for her.

Which was why Atsui was currently staring at the overgrown patch of dirt behind their house that might have once been a garden plot of some sort. The rocky soil of the mountains was not particularly conducive to nurturing plant life, so if you wanted to grow something, you had to bring in more fertile soil from elsewhere, which was apparently what their great-grandparents must have done back when they first settled this particular plot of land, but that was neither here nor there.

Samui, busy with helping the new Raikage settle into his office, had "asked" (read: ordered) her brother to clear out the weeds in the old garden in preparation for planting. Atsui, valuing his physical and emotional well-being, had accepted.

So here he was, trying to figure out how to get rid of the thickly tangled weeds.

Atsui was a ninja and a master swordsman. He could kill a man in twenty different ways using just a rubber band and some floss, and he could match the sword-work of the samurai of Iron Country step for step.

But he knew nothing about how to tend a garden.

He was a Kumo shinobi, dammit! Gardening was for kunoichi and Konoha ninja! That was what he had told his sister, at any rate. But with an icy glare and a hand straying to the hilt of her tantō, she had quickly and easily cured him of any such notions.

So Atsui had no choice but to try and figure out how to get rid of the unwanted, invasive plants before Samui returned from the office.

"Dammit," he swore, "I gotta get rid of those weeds before sis gets back, but I don't even know HOW... Grr!" he growled, rubbing his face in frustration. "I'm so heated up, I can't even think straight...!" he grumbled.

Blink.

His eyes widened as inspiration struck. "... heat..." he whispered. "Yeah, that's it!" He grinned.

Smoothly unsheathing his long white katana, Atsui focused his chakra, streaming it through the blade. Flames danced along the cold steel, and he swung. "_Cloud Style: Flame Slice!_"

Fire erupted from the tip of his blade as it streaked through the air, and soon red and yellow tongues had engulfed the garden as the weeds ignited from the heat. In a matter of seconds, everything in the garden was incinerated.

Only ashes remained.

Atsui's grin widened and he laughed triumphantly. "Yeah!" he cheered, "I'm the Cloud Village's number one hotshot shinobi! Ain't no weeds gonna get the best of me! I'm too hot for that!"

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><p>Samui, in the Raikage tower with Karui and Omoi, felt the inexplicable urge to smack her palm into her face.<p>

So she did.

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><p><strong>AN: A drabble starring a semi-obscure ninja who gets stuffed in a fridge along with his sister almost immediately after his initial appearance? Sure, why the heck not.**

**Previous chapter uploaded **_08-06-11_

**This chapter uploaded **_3-25-12_

**TTFN and R&R!**


	5. Diversion

**Diversion**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: **... Man, I know I said there was no telling how long it might take me to get back to writing, but... I did not honestly think I would be back in the game so quickly. And yet, somehow at the same time I simply _knew_ it would happen this way. Honestly, it seems like any time I make an update saying that there's no telling when I'll update next, it's like my muses decide to be utterly contrary just to spite me in some strange, abstract way.****

**...Yeah... honestly, I don't really get what I'm trying to say, either.**

***Sweat-drop* **

**This one ended up a touch longer than the others, I think. But I really had a bit of fun with this chapter. Also, the chapter title is a little misleading, but perhaps that's just part of the fun.**

**Also, I have just switched back to Firefox after the whole thing with doing complete system reset with my laptop a few months ago that, now that I think about it, I never actually told you guys about, and I've finally conclusively realized that what I long thought to be doc manager's spellcheck was actually _Firefox's_ spellcheck all along. How silly of me. *Sweat-drop*  
><strong>

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><p><em>"... and once we finished cleaning the bloodstains out of the ballroom, they paid us for the mission and sent us on our way," <em>the hologram of Kisame Hoshigaki cheerfully concluded, no doubt flashing a menacingly toothy grin like he always did.

Pain (Deva Path), standing on the balcony of the tallest tower in Ame, one of the few buildings in the New Hidden Rain that was _completely_ cordoned off from all "mortals", shinobi and civilian alike, nodded almost imperceptibly as Kisame finished his and Itachi's latest mission report. Sitting squatted on the floor next to him, not bothering to project a hologram of herself as her presence at these proceedings was not officially necessary, and not even pretending to be interested in said proceedings, was Pain's second in command, his mouthpiece and hands amongst the people of rain, the origami angel, Konan.

It was that time of the week, again, when Pain contacted the various operatives within Akatsuki to hear their reports and go over the earnings and expenses with them in order to balance the organization's budget. It was a slow, monotonous exercise in utter mundanity that most of the missing nin within their ranks utterly loathed, but like any business, Akatsuki had to carefully count every last ryō if it wanted to stay afloat.

World domination was not a cheap endeavor, after all, and sniffing out the probable identities of jinchūriki and the last known locations of loose bijū _alone_ accounted for expenses in the tens of millions[**1**], if only because most potential informants were typically often more afraid of the demon containers and the powerful, high-ranking shinobi who usually had a vested interest of some sort in the continued loyalty and survival of their human superweapons than they were of the Akatsuki. No amount of fearsome reputation could match up to firsthand experiences with the wrath of their respective kage and the general caprice of an unstable jinchūriki, and as a result, getting people close to their targets into their pockets tended to eat through the organization's finances like a horde of army worms through a verdant thicket.

Additionally, as an organization populated almost exclusively by immensely dangerous and highly unpredictable rouge ninja, corruption and embezzling were virtually a given. And since the Akatsuki had no proper bureaucracy to handle financial transactions and bank records (Nagato was highly paranoid of leaving any kind of paper trail, and insisted that all reports be handled verbally and any physical records of their transactions be immediately and methodically destroyed), it was in theory not only possible, but frighteningly _easy _for one to steal a small fortune from their coffers without anyone being any the wiser.

_In theory._

In practice, however, it was actually nigh impossible. Nagato's eidetic memory and head for numbers enabled him to keep perfect mental records of every single profit and expense, and the unblinking, emotionless stare of Pain's Rinnegan held an intimidation factor capable of cowing even the most unruly and belligerent members. Thus, embezzlement was actually a non-issue for the organization (aside from Kakuzu, who at least had the courtesy to make up the difference by increasing the organization's inward cash flow with a number of various side projects and pyramid schemes).

Still, in order to update the figures for mission earnings and expenses, they needed to rely on regular progress reports from the other operatives. And due to the nominal leader's aforementioned aversion to any and all forms of paperwork (which was definitely solely due to security concerns and NOT anything else, _honest_), these reports had to be delivered verbally–a monotonous, time-consuming process that every last member of the organization (even Kakuzu) would swear up and down the street to be slowly eating away at their souls until there was nothing left but empty, brain-dead husks.

Yes, all of the Akatsuki hated these days. But no other person in the organization hated them as much as Konan, who was superfluous to the process since she already reported directly to Nagato on a daily basis and had no role in either the crunching of numbers or the keeping of books but nonetheless still _had_ to sit through them because it was her duty as the angel of Pain to stand by his side in all things, even if she was doing so unseen to all but him.

She may have been a highly intelligent and brilliant kunoichi who had all but mastered the highly sophisticated and esoteric discipline of shikigami ninjutsu to the extent that she could replace her flesh and bones with innumerable sheaves of paper at a moment's notice like it was second nature, and a cunning strategist and tactician who could plan for a hundred different scenarios in the time it took most people to blink, but when it came to math, Konan was as useless as a neophyte genin on an A-Rank mission. That had been one of the big common points between her and Yahiko back when they were studying under Jiraiya–they had both hated his arithmetic lessons. As a result, from early on in Akatsuki's existence, back when it was still a band of Ame freedom fighters, anything having to do with figuring numbers or calculating values had been left for Nagato to handle.

So Konan had nothing to do but stand there and listen to the various members give their reports, which were actually surprisingly boring considering they were a group of S-Rank missing nin ostensibly working to achieve world domination. Aside from the occasional mishap, such as that one time Nagato had discovered Kakuzu's stash of receipts prior to contacting the ex-Taki shinobi to get a status report and ended up sending out _Gakidō_ and _Shuradō_ to teach the man a painful lesson on following Akatsuki protocol to the letter that he had Zetsu record for posterity, nothing interesting ever during these reports.

Needless to say, Konan had early on learned to occupy herself however she could during these weekly reports. Even if it meant using her paper manipulation ability to hold miniature paper plane airshows around the heads of the other members' holographic projections.

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><p>[<strong>1<strong>]: According to the Naruto Wiki, Kishimoto gave an exchange rate of ten yen to the ryō. As of April 14, 2012 (which is when I did the conversions), one yen (¥1) is equivalent to approximately one and twenty three hundredths cents USD (~$0.0123). So one ryō would be worth about twelve and three tenths cents (0.123 USD) in the modern market.

Additionally, going by the standard mission price ranges listed on the Naruto wiki, a D-Rank mission pays from 5,000 to 50,000 ryō (615 to 6,150 USD), a C-Rank pays from 30,000 to 100,000 ryō (3,690 to 12,300 USD), a B-Rank pays from 80,000 to 200,000 ryō (9,840 to 24,600 USD), an A-Rank pays from 150,000 to 1,000,000 ryō (18,450 to 123,000 USD), and an S-Rank will always (presumably) pay at least 1,000,000 ryō.

So now I have a slightly better, if still very vague, idea of what the Naruto-world economy is like.

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><p><strong>AN: For some reason, the idea of Konan throwing paper planes during an Akatsuki meeting seemed really funny to me.**

**Previous chapter uploaded **_3-25-12_

**This chapter uploaded **_4-26-2012_

**TTFN and R&R!**


	6. Fountain

**Fountain**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

"Fortitude is the marshal of thought, the armor of will, and the fort of reason."

- Francis Bacon

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><p><strong>AN: Here's another chapter of Bugzapper. **

**Also, I've got another multi-chapter fic out, though it's one with much shorter chapters than I've written for my multi-chap fics in a while. It's a **_**Harry Potter **_**x **_**Naruto**_** crossover by the title of **_**Remember the Name **_**starring Killer Bee and Team Samui. It's only three (short) chapters thus far, but I've got a fourth one written and am working on a fifth one, because it had a surprisingly good reception, all things considered.**

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><p>It was hot. The sun was bright; the sky over the Land of Earth was free of clouds.<p>

The ground was rocky and hard, the endless expanse of barren wasteland broken up only by crags and crevices in the stony earth. The scorching badlands which bordered the cliffs and crevasses of Hidden Stone were virtually devoid of life. No creature not specifically adapted to the inhospitable environment would last more than a few weeks out there, and most far less than that.

This was generally just as true for humans as it was it was for beasts and birds. Only the most foolish or desperate souls would willingly travel through the southern wastes. Most anybody with any amount of sense in their heads would rather go around to the west, where the barrens gave way to the prairies and rolling hills of Earth Country's breadbasket and, to far the north, the population centers and even the capital of the Land of Earth. Or else, if they were headed to Iwa on official business, they might go around to the east, where the roads were wider and straighter, and a high concentration of Hidden Stone forts and outposts both along the roads and deep in the wilderness meant that bandits would practically have to be suicidal to set up camp there.

But nobody, not even a hypothetical invading army from like, oh, say, the Hidden Sand, would go through the badlands. There might have been only a handful of outposts south of Iwa, but that was because the shinobi of Stone knew that the southern wastes, with maybe just a few misdirection genjutsu added here and there, were perhaps their most secure front. Nature did most of the work for them.

Unfortunately, Itachi Uchiha and Kisame Hoshigaki, as members of Akatsuki, could not afford to let themselves be seen by the shinobi of Iwa, even if technically they were there at the request of the Tsuchikage. The rank and file were largely ignorant of their high command's dealings with Akatsuki, and even of Akatsuki's very existence, in many cases. Of course, that would most likely change rather quickly once they began abducting jinchūriki, but until then, he and Kisame would not be recognized by the chūnin rangers as Itachi Uchiha and Kisame Hoshigaki of Akatsuki, but as Itachi Uchiha, rogue Leaf ANBU captain, and Kisame Hoshigaki, rogue Mist jōnin.

So the two of them were forced to go through the southern wastes. Now, ordinarily this would be no big deal for the two Akatsuki agents. After all, with Itachi's sharingan they could effortlessly penetrate the series of area of effect genjutsu maintained over the badlands, and with Kisame's knack for making storage seals (which often came as a surprise to the more superficial members of Akatsuki who only saw a big, violent brute when they looked at the shark-like man, but a certain level of proficiency with the sealing arts was practically a requirement for those who regularly worked with sensitive information, such as Kisame had back in the Hidden Mist) meant they could carry more than enough supplies.

_Ordinarily._

Unfortunately, the previous morning they had been ambushed by a cell of high-level Kusa jōnin when they had been about to cross the northern border of Grass into the Land of Earth.

It had not been too hard a fight, all things considered, but one of them had managed to blindside Kisame with a fireball of impressive strength. Aside from badly singing the Monster of the Hidden Mist's Akatsuki robes (which, it should be noted, were designed to be fire retardant), this had also incinerated most of the storage scrolls on Kisame's person. And even after dispatching their ambushers, they had been forced to immediately flee across the Earth-Grass border in case the fight had betrayed their position to people more dangerous than their ambushers.

With no time to restock, they had crossed into _Tsuchi no Kuni._ As a result, the duo of S-Rank missing-nin were frighteningly low on supplies.

Itachi, walking alongside his partner with his wide-brimmed hat pulled low over his eyes to protect the from the glare of the sun, frowned as he rummaged through one of the few storage scrolls that had managed to escape the Grass-nin's surprise _katon _jutsu.

"I think we might be out of water," he muttered just loud enough for his partner to hear.

Kisame hummed thoughtfully. "That was fast," he commented pleasantly, as though Itachi _hadn't_ just told him that they probably had nothing left to drink.

Itachi frowned almost imperceptibly. He had only been partnered with the older man for a short time so far, so the two of them weren't all that familiar with each other, but this comment made the Uchiha prodigy curious. Why did Hoshigaki sound so unconcerned? He was a mist ninja, and a water release user as well, if Itachi's intelligence was accurate, but the man seemed to be entirely unfazed by this news.

Interest piqued, Itachi turned to the man who several members of the organization were convinced was _at least_ part fish. "Why do you say that?" he inquire cautiously.

Kisame grinned at the younger ninja. It showed rather more teeth than Itachi was entirely comfortable with.

Gesturing to the scroll, the Kiri missing-nin said, "Oh, nothing much. It's just that I thought a genius ANBU would be better at rationing water, is all."

Itachi kept his face neutral. It helped that he was only slightly perturbed by the barb, having heard far worse just from his former squad mates, who had greatly enjoyed ribbing the child captain whenever they'd been off-duty. A part of him even missed the irreverence they used to treat him with, which had continued even long after he'd proven himself every bit the consummate ANBU and Uchiha elite.

Itachi had always hated being put on a pedestal, but he also disliked being dismissed as insignificant or unimportant. The fact that his fellow ANBU had been the first people to treat him as neither a superior or a subordinate, but as an _equal_, was more than anything else what had cemented his loyalty to the Black Ops, and, by extension, to the Village they would give up everything to protect.

Unfortunately, ever since the massacre, Itachi had yet to meet anyone else who treated him like that. Sure, several of his fellow Akatsuki were more than happy to tease him, but it was mean-spirited belittling and taunting. There was very little general camaraderie between the members of the Red Dawn.

But there was something about Kisame's jabs that was different from the others... If only a little, it seemed like the former Mist-nin actually respected him as an equal, and Itachi appreciated this greatly. Kisame was obviously different from most of the other Akatsuki in one very big way.

He was genuinely loyal.

Shaking his head, Itachi frowned inwardly. Giving the swordsman a look of mild curiosity, the sharingan wielder meaningfully remarked, "I would have thought you would be more concerned by this information..."

Kisame chortled. "I don't see why. It's not like we'll run out of water any time soon."

Seeing Itachi's delicately cocked eyebrow, and seeing the unspoken question in his swirling red eyes, Kisame shrugged and pulled out an empty canteen. Lifting it up his mouth he formed a short series of one-handed seals.

Itachi paled as he heard the telltale sound of water pouring into the canteen.

After a few seconds, Kisame removed the canteen from his mouth, a bit of water trickling down his cheeks. He popped the lid back on and swished it side to side, audibly sloshing the water inside it.

Itachi then excused himself to go empty his stomach.

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><p><strong>AN: No one can accuse Itachi of having a weak stomach, but there are still some things that even he can't help but be squicked out by.**

**Previous chapter uploaded **_4-16-12_

**This chapter uploaded** _4-23-12_

**TTFN and R&R!**


	7. Cooking

**Cooking**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

_"... cooking is just like religion. Rules don't no more make a cook than sermons make a saint."_

- Anonymous

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><p><strong>AN: Haha, thanks for all the suggestions, guys. Dunno what to do with 'em all. ;) This one's kinda short, but it's also my first reader suggested one. It was suggested (along with a slew of other ideas) by hello2000.**

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><p>Suigetsu groaned as he surveyed the charred black fish. He <em>knew<em> he shouldn't have trusted Sasuke to cook the fishe after all the work he'd gone to catching them, no matter how hard the Uchiha had insisted on doing so.

"Oy, oy, Sasuke," he grumbled, "How the hell do you expect us to eat this crap? It looks _awful_."

Karin, from where she was daintily nibbling on what looked like a vaguely fish-shaped lump of charcoal, shot the swordsman a venomous glare.

"Cram it, Suigetsu!" she snarled darkly. Then she whirled around and smiled winsomely at her crush, the dark haired Uchiha. "Don't listen to him, Sasuke-kun~❤" she purred in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice. "Your cooking is _de-li-cious~!_"

"Hn," Sasuke grunted in response. He was on his third piece of burnt-to-a-stinking-black-crisp fish, seemingly completely unbothered by the taste.

Suigetsu sighed in exasperation. Of course _Karin_ would side with Sasuke. As far as the Uzumaki girl was concerned, the object of her infatuation could do no wrong. And Sasuke must have no taste buds at all, to be able to choke down that garbage without even the slightest grimace.

It did not help matters that the boy seemed to be a certifiable pyromaniac, either. But then, from what Suigetsu had been able to observe of the leader of their little group (how he loathed the name, _Hebi_–he'd had enough to do with snakes to last him a lifetime and a half), that was only the tip of the psychological iceberg. He knew a little about what made people tick, and he had to say that he'd not seen someone so badly messed up in a _very_ long time.

The fact that Sasuke continued to insist on going out of their way to not kill anyone _certainly_ had _nothing_ to do with the ex Mist-nin's diagnosis, no siree.

Looking over to his side, where Jūgo was staring at his own share of the fish briquettes with a grimace on his face, Suigetsu sighed again. _Of course_ the only person to share his opinion of their "meal" would be the bipolar freak of nature.

Jūgo, not feeling very hungry any more, pushed the fish away. He may have spent the last several years of his life in maximum security containment facilities, only being brought out to be poked and prodded by Orochimaru and his assistants, but even meals of nothing but plain rice, nutrient enhanced sludge, and whatever chemical cocktails his keepers had come up with most recently in the vain hopes of keeping him sedated, were better than this.

"Someone else can have my share..." the orange haired giant of a man quietly murmured.

"Yeah, mine too," Suigetsu agreed, copying Jūgo.

Sasuke eyed them, clearly aware of what they were doing, but he said nothing. Karin, for her part, was too busy forcing down her own share, tears leaking from her eyes at the horrid taste of what was more ashes than fish, to notice or care.

Shrugging, Suigetsu wandered off over to the bushes to check out some of those berries he'd noticed earlier. Jūgo, following him, saw where he was headed and frowned.

Leaning over to whisper into the shorter man's ear, he said, "You know those berries over there are poisonous, right?"

Suigetsu blinked. He stared incredulously at Jūgo. "Yeah, of _course_ I do. But better poison than **_that_**," he said, pointing back over at Karin and Sasuke and the horrifically charred pile of fish.

Jūgo was silent for a moment. Then he slowly, reluctantly nodded.

He wanted to disagree with Suigetsu.

But he just _couldn't_.

And so, as the two of them got to plucking berries from the bushes, Jūgo and Suigetsu both made mental notes to never again let Sasuke Uchiha and his fireball jutsu get within a hundred feet of their food.

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><p><strong>AN: This one was more about the aftermath and consequences of using a jutsu for a mundane purpose, but I still like how it turned out. **

**Previous chapter uploaded **_04-23-12_

**This chapter uploaded** _04-26-12_

**TTFN and R&R!**


	8. Wardrobe

**Wardrobe**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

_"The best-dressed woman is one whose clothes wouldn't look too strange in the country."_

- Sir Hardy Amies

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><p><strong>AN: I've actually seen ideas similar to this, once or twice, but it's an interesting premise, if a bit easily perverted for more lemony purposes. **

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><p>Kurenai frowned as she observed herself in the mirror. She was dressed in her usual, distinctive outfit that looked like nothing so much as an artful blend of fishnet, bandages, and some red cloth. It usually served her well enough, but... Tonight was supposed to be special. She and Asuma had been planning this date for weeks, and she knew for a fact that he had picked out a fine, handsome suit just for this occasion.<p>

And so no matter how much he insisted that she was beautiful no matter _what _clothes–or lack thereof, as he had jokingly suggested more than once–she wore, Kurenai Yūhi was _adamant_ on finding the perfect outfit.

Forming a single handsign, she was enveloped in a puff of dense white smoke. It quickly dissipated, and when it did she was no longer wearing what she had been just seconds prior. Instead, she was now dressed in a lovely, modest yukata with a simple floral design on its hems.

She frowned.

"No, too traditional."

There was another puff of smoke. When it cleared, she was wearing a sparkling, lowcut red cocktail dress with thigh-high slits in the sides. She frowned again.

"No, too showy."

Another puff of smoke.

A black skull print T-shirt and a beige micro-miniskirt. Another frown.

"Too modern."

Puff.

A green, skintight spandex suit with orange legwarmers.

"Bleh, too youthful."

Puff.

A pink, flower dress with an abundance of lace and frills.

"Too girly."

A tan trenchcoat and fishnet.

"Too _Anko._"

Puff.

A nearly fluorescent orange and blue tracksuit. A grimace.

"Eeugh, no... just, _no_."

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><p>It was with a sigh of defeat nearly an hour later that Kurenai finally gave up and decided to just go in her normal outfit. Being good enough at illusions and transformations to be able to wear anything anywhere with zero hassle was great <em>in theory<em>, but she simply could never decide on an outfit.

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><p><strong>Previous chapter uploaded <strong>_04-26-12_

**This chapter uploaded** _05-07-12_

**TTFN and R&R!**


	9. Trash Compactor

**Trash Compactor**

A _Naruto_ drabble

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: It's been a couple months since I updated this, so I figured I'd do that.**

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><p>In a small shack in the middle of nowhere in the Land of Rain, a trio of figures were gathered around a low, traditional table, seated on mats as they polished off a small meal of grilled fish and rice.<p>

One, a young woman with short blue hair decorated with a single origami flower, was delicately nibbling on a piece of the fish. Another, a young man with spiky orange hair and a bright smile, was stuffing his face with a bowl of rice. The last one, another young man with longish bright red hair, pale skin, and gray, ripple-patterned eyes, was seated in the seiza position and waiting for his two friends to finish.

Little remained of the fish except bone fragments and a few inedible bits of offal. The trio had been taught by their sensei not to waste anything from their kills, and they took those lessons to heart, even going so far as to crack open the fish bones to get at the rich, nutritious marrow. As orphans in the poverty stricken Land of Rain, even with their ninja training the three could never be sure from where their next meal might come.

So they made the most of every kill, cooking and eating even parts that most people would never even_ touch_. Fruits and nuts and bark were okay when they could be foraged, and they did occasionally use their shinobi training to steal supplies, but to keep up their strength, meat was nearly ideal. Thus, they hunted and fished as often as they could without too badly depleting whatever local wildlife lived in the area.

Still, there were parts of the animals that they simply could not eat – things like poisonous organs and indigestible bone fragments – and thus had to throw away. They didn't exactly get trash pick-up either, out there in the boonies of Rain, so they had to make do with getting rid of it in whatever ways they could come up with.

"Hey, Nagato," said the orange-haired one as he finally set down his now-empty bowl, "it's your turn to take care of the garbage."

The pale, ripple-eyed young man frowned slightly. "I thought it was Konan's turn."

Konan, the blue-haired woman, shook her head.

"No," she said, "Yahiko did it last time, and I did it the time before that. You're next in the rotation, Nagato."

"Oh, yeah..." said the redhead. "You're right. It _is_ my turn, isn't it..."

He smiled weakly. "Well, I guess I'd better take care of it before it gets dark out," he concluded softly. Turning to Yahiko, he said, "We're still using the pit near that one bent tree, right?"

Yahiko nodded. "Yeah, we are," he said, answering in the affirmative. "It's getting a little full, though..." he added casually.

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><p>Nagato sweatdropped as he looked up at a mound of waste and garbage that towered over him.<p>

"Only a _little full_...?" he muttered disbelievingly, shaking his head as he looked down at the nearly unnoticeable edge of the hole in the ground they had been using as a trash pit. Garbage was piled up several feet above the ground, bone shards and wrappers and rancid, rotted hunks of flesh spilling out at the base of the ludicrously massive pile.

Nagato couldn't help but wonder how so much garbage could have piled up in the two weeks since he'd been out here, but he was getting a suspicion that he and his friends weren't the only ones disposing of their trash here. Still, though... this was ridiculous, and a considerable security risk besides. He had to pack the garbage down and bury it, or else anyone with eyes or functioning nose could easily find the pit.

Sighing longsufferingly, Nagato held out his hands in front of him, fingers splayed and palms outward. Rin'negan eyes gleamed with an inner light, and the air around Nagato seemed to shimmer as chakra, invisible to the naked eye, surged forth from his body.

Focusing his energy, Nagato felt his muscles tense up as he focused the power of his dōjutsu, harnessing the power of _tendō_, the Deva Path.

"_Shinra Tensei!_" he cried, his deep voice resonating in the air as he _pushed_ _down_ with his chakra. An invisible force, like gravity or magnetism, pressed the garbage down into the pit, the ground nearly buckling as the trash spilled back into the hole, before the dirt compacted and closed over the pit.

In an instant, all that remained of the trash pit was a shallow, almost unnoticeable depression in the ground where the earth had been compacted by the force of Nagato's Almighty Push.

His business there finished, Nagato departed, forgetting all about the sack of refuse that he had brought out there to dump in the first place.

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><p><strong>Previous chapter uploaded <strong>_05-07-12_

**This chapter uploaded**

**TTFN and R&R!**


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